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What is it with men, anyway?

   Chances are you've spent more than your share of long nights on the phone or hunched over coffee, or tossing back a margarita or two with your girlfriends, asking that very question.

  And chances are, your girlfriends nodded and shrugged and sympathized, knowing exactly how you felt - that men are complex, confusing conundrums, riddles wrapped around enigmas and shrouded in beer and baseball stats.

  Why don't men open up? Why do you sometimes feel that getting a guy to talk about his feelings requires a combination of hypnosis, psychic powers along with maybe the Jaws of Life?

   I'll admit, there's some truth to these stereotypes - sometimes we guys are better at expressing our feelings for the Domino's delivery man that we are at expressing our feelings for you. And no doubt sometimes we do greet your postcoital nuzzlings with hearty snores. But the truth is, our goals and desires are a lot more aligned with yours than you might think. And the fact is that when a woman understand what a man truly wants - well, only then can she make him understand what she truly wants. And deep down, he wants more than anything to satisfy her.

   In other words, all this ought to be a walk in the park. But somehow, we've turned that park into a minefield.

   It's easy to fall back on the timeless "he-versus-she" arguments about the differences between men and women - what we want from each other, what we want out of love, what we want in relationships. But the problem isn't in what we want; it's in how we communicate what we want - and the fact that men and women do so in very different ways. The only way to get us to crack each other's codes is to delve deep into the psyches of both sexes. You see, the truth is that men do share their feelings - their fears, their desires, even their deepest secrets.

A Breakthrough Approach To Understanding Men

   In an exclusive Men, Love & Sex poll, conducted by the national polling firm Harris Interactive, we surveyed more than 5,000 men and women, asking them some intensely intimate questions - and eliciting some remarkably candid answers. And what our poll found was that men and women in fact have extraordinarily similar desires: We all want true love, a good sex life (That includes quickies as well as long, slow afternoons and everything in between), and relationships that last longer than Labor Day weekend. What's different about us-and therefore what makes it so hard for us to find happiness together-is that we do a terrible job of communicating with one another. Between the smoke signals, silent treatments, and gender-specific Morse Code, it's a wonder we ever get anything figured out, or get together at all.

   All of us-men and women-spend a ton of time thinking about relationships. Sixty percent of men spend at least an hour a day thinking about their relationships or potential relationships (and you thought we were just daydreaming about the Red Sox), and 40 percent of women spend more than two hours a day thinking about their relationships. (Between the two of us, that's a combined 1,095 hours a year spent mulling over our love lives. Imagine if we dedicated that same time to fossil fuel.) But despite all our time and efforts, two-thirds of people report that they experience relationship problems every two weeks.

   So where's the breakdown? It's due in part to the fact that we're both too quick to buy into the stereotypes, which are in turn reinforced by our same-sex friends. Consider this: When women have a problem in their relationships, 82 percent - 82 percent! - go to other women to talk about the problems. From where I stand, asking a woman to explain the feelings of a man is sort of like asking Donald Rumsfeld to explain hip-hop music. We'd all be a a lot better off if we looked for answers closer to the source.

Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women

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